I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
