ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
