Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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