im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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