I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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