1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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