im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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