i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
