Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
