"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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