One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
