The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
