I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
