just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
