watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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