Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
