I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I deserve this hangover.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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