I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
this will be a night to untag.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
