Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
