If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
