If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
