found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
