4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
