I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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