I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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