Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
