Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We had to coat check the pizza.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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