Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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