there's paper in my vomit.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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