Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
