I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
