you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
