Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
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Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
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Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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