She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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