we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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