Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
