The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it was like eating out sand paper
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
