Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
