Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
