your thong is hanging out like whoa
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
