i may or may not be watching the land before time
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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