Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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