I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
