I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
