Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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