Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
