Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
That accounts for only three of the penises
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
