My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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