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The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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