We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
