Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
