so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
