Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
