I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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