I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
