Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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