ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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