I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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