That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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