Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
