All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
