I cockslap morals
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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